Are You One Of The Walking Wounded?

I look around me and see bodies everywhere.
I'm not referring to the series, Walking Dead.
I'm talking about those torn apart in relationship battles, personal and professional.

What has puzzled me,
were the large numbers of intelligent people begging for the zombies to bite them.
I have, at least, a partial answer.

Desperation.

Not a good place to make decisions from.
Desperation brings desperate action.

There are endless reasons we become desperate so I won't go there.
We're dealing with being that wounded person
 flailing in the woods screaming for help.
It's like ringing the dinner bell for the zombies.
Stand back, baby, and let the feasting begin.
You're on the menu.

Imagine that you're bleeding
and are sure you'll never make it back to camp on your own.
There are zombies out there, you know it, but help is there too.
You haven't seen any walkers, so you holler your guts out.

That's when some cute guy shows up sporting a grin.
He promises you safety, love, a contract.
He loves you or your work, maybe both.

Red flags.

Did you miss that besides the smile, he also smelled bad?
His arm dangled funny from his shoulder.

You did miss it and fell into his arms.
And he devoured you.

Great, you groan, as he gluts himself on your love, money or your talent.
You could weep and say poor me.
But that's pointless.
He's just chomped your ear and is chewing briskly salivating over eating the other one.

Yeah, yeah. So I let myself be eaten by the monsters.
Now what?

I've given this some thought.
First, if you feel desperate--recognize it.
We can't fix what we refuse to acknowledge.

If we know we're hanging by a thread,
best to not draw attention by screaming in zombie infested woods.
Trust me, they are out there.

Next, stop beating yourself up.
It never was about you, your love or your writing.
Zombies only care about their next meal and you just happened to be easy pickens.
Save yourself.

Get the hell out of the woods.

Drag your damaged self out if you must,
 or rely on the people you know you can trust to help.
Those who've proven themselves in the past.

When we're wounded is not the time to enter into new relationships of any kind.

I've seen writers desperate for publication
 sign with a publisher they didn't take time to check out.
This would be the dude with bad breath and the funny hanging arm.
Wake up!

Stop.
Take time to know what you're getting into.
If they push and tell you the offer won't last.

Run! It's a zombie.

Those that care about you or desire a real working relationship
 will honor your need to ask other people questions.
This is where the trusted friends come in.
Talk to them.

If five people who love you say,  stay out of those woods, you're bleeding,
 believe them.

Most of the carnage happens, because we don't recognize our wounds.
We stubbornly tell everyone we're fine and plod on out to meet our fate.
Oh, our friends see the danger and warn us,
 but they can't keep us from being consumed,
 not if we're determined to play with monsters.

The walkers don't have the cure.
Chances are, other zombies caused the damage.
In the end, healing our wounds takes time and effort.
 There's no short cut.

And until you're no longer desperate, stay out of the woods.

Let Go Or Be Dragged.

My youngest daughter came up with these wise words,
when talking to someone whining over forced changes in their life.

I confess, I've refused to let go of things at times,
even when hanging on
meant being dragged through prickly pear and brier patch.

Why is that?

Is change so difficult, that we choose intense pain
over potential, all though unknown, bliss?

Apparently--yes!

This blog is one such instance.
I enjoy writing it, but every week pulled at my time.
The readership didn't grow.
I questioned if this had become one of the many announcements
on multiple, writer's loops that go unread.
Not because they aren't good, but due to sheer volume.

Could I change it up and make this more appealing?
It's possible.

How much more time would that take?

Hours away from pounding out pages under that task master, Dr. Wicked,
or editing my current WIP.

Was it worth it?

After being dragged through a row of nasty huckleberry bushes,
I chose change.
Rather than continuing to yank thorns out of my back side,
I've opted to cut back to a monthly post,
until I decide how to revamp this blog.

I'm letting go because it makes sense.

And it feels terrific.

Where in your life is it time to let go?

Comment if you have time.

Hard Is Good And Here's Why.

Did I just say that?
I did.

I said it's good, not fun or easy.
So if difficult is no bag of giggles, what's good about it?

Adversity is what brought you to this point in your life.
It's what forged your character, strength and honed skills.
Lounging on a beach doesn't bring you anything,
 but a sun burn and age spots.

Suffering is good for the soul.

Yeah, great.
Heard it, done it, bought the t-shirt.
Blah, blah, blah.

Difficulty alone won't do it.

We must drag ourselves up from the depths battered,
 bruised and bleeding to be transformed.
Definitely not a good time.

Why go through all this effort?
Why not stay at the beach tanning until our skin is leather
 or wallow in self pitty and do nada?

Because we are writers.
And we don't fold, at least, not for long.

We understand the hero's journey and we are on a quest to publication.
Life may kick us in the teeth,
but we overcome by force of will,
 spunk and all the atributes we give our characters.
We are them and they are us.

We are on our own heroic journey.

We've heard the saying that life is hard and then you die.

Bull!

I say:
Life is hard and then you write!

Countless top selling authors went through
 a dark night of the soul experience prior to publication.

Dickens faced financial ruin when he wrote, A Christmas Carol.
Poe had lost his wife and suffered with drug addiction.
Rowlings was a single mother trying to make ends meet.

Hard in life makes captivating prose and real, heroic characters.
It also makes for a talented writer.
Use that strength and experience.

This week, embrace trials you've overcome
 and let them guide you in a manuscript.

No experience is ever wasted.

Learn from the past and use difficulties to your advantage.
Working through your personal hero's journey
can bring multi-dimensional characters and real heart ache to your work.
Readers love it!

And in the end, when you've lived through hell,
 trudged over blazing coals, and come out with burned tootsies,
 and a unique perspective, use it.

 You are Scrooge, Bella, the Bennet sisters, Katnis, George Baily, and Harry Potter.

And in the words of Winston Churchill during World War  2,

"Never, Never, Give Up."

What's Love Got To Do With It?

If you write or focus on other creative endeavours--everything.

What if you're not in a relationship?
What if the one you have is tepid to frigid?
Your outlook may suffer, but romance isn't what I'm talking about.

Love transcends sex, or it should.

We can adore chocolate, our pets, sports and people.
We strive to love ourselves,
and what ends up on the page when we reach "the end".
Love comes in many forms.

But is love a choice, or like Hollywood suggests,
we can't help who we love?
What's the truth?

We have little control over who rings our bells.
Attraction and chemistry are part of our makeup.
They happen before we give it thought.
Our eyes meet.
Hearts flutter with anticipation and body parts warm,
before we know much about a person.

That is not love.

Don't get me wrong,
chemistry counts for a lot in a romantic relationship.
But we aren't animals in heat, well, maybe some are close.

I say,  real love is a choice.

Some may disagree, but hear me out.
Love is getting up with a sick child.
Love is going to work to pay the bills.
Love is sharing secrets with a person we know will keep them safe,
and accept us regardless of our struggles.

Love isn't what we can get, but what we give.

Weather we write, paint, throw pottery or fix plumbing,
love can be the core of that expression.
Everything we do carries a piece of who we are and what we feel.
Our intent as we work and create affects the outcome.

Do we choose to reflect love in our lives?

My grandmother always said that her baking was better,
when she thought about the love she had for those who would consume the warm bread.
Love being the most important ingredient.
I agree with her.

This week, consciously focus on the love you feel
for those who will benefit from what you do.
It might be changing diapers or flying a jet aircraft.
What it is doesn't matter, only your affection.

 Jot in your journal your experience,
 how it transforms your outlook and your results.
You will be surprised.

Acting with love touches the giver as well as the receiver.

I'm sending love and support to all of you, my friends.
Blessings to you and success in your life.

Happy Valentines day.

Dump Your Goals. Say what?

No! I can't live without that list staring back at me keeping me motivated.
That's what I said, until asked this question:
What's your passion?

Quick, don't think. First thing in your head will do. I need an answer.
What's your passion?

Have it?
Are you surprised?

When this question was put to a group of friends recently,
one man said history, a woman shared her love of sewing,
and another lived to learn.
They all had one thing in common.
None worked in their passion.
Nope. Not even close.

A few accepted this as an unfortunate fact of grown up life.
Others, shocked by their answers, gained insight.
Slaving for years and unhappy in their profession,
the reason for their lack of fulfillment hit them between the eyes
like a two by four.

Truth delivered with blinding force hurts.

Work without passion is just a job.
And a life without passion isn't living.

I know, bummer.

There's nothing wrong with a job.
It's what pays the mortgage and feeds the kids,
but our souls require nourishment as well.
How did these talented people land in this predicament?

Goals.

Not true goals.
Theirs were lists handed to them full of should and must be.
What does the world know about your desires and dreams?

Nothing.

Only you own that knowledge.

To reconnect with your authentic self,
toss your old goals and let honest dreams form.
Nature fills a void.

For the next two weeks,
allow your life to take it's course naturally.
You are not allowed to work on your old goals.
Think of it as a vacation or fact finding mission.

If you're a control freak like me,
it's scary to eschew the list and fly free.

Before you shake your head and say I've lost my mind, let me explain.
We are not dumping the idea of running a marathon
or passing the bar exam,
we're only giving ourselves time to reevaluate.
Opening up possibilities.

If the goal is part of you, nothing will pry it from your heart.

Trust the universe to speak and bring your true nature to light.
There's a catch to all of this soul searching.
Once you find your passion, live it.

Record your findings in your journal,
and please share your comments with the rest of us.

Thank you for taking the leap.

But You Promised!

As a child, I must have said those words to my parents a hundred times.
They were skillful practitioners of over promising.
People pleasers at their core, they often committed to Disneyland,
a beach outing or pizza for dinner.

Sadly, disappointment often followed these well intended vows.
Sadder still, I stopped believing their promises.

I confronted my parents after one particularly disheartening exchange,
and asked them to never tell us of intended plans
until we were in the car and on our way.
Because when things fell through,
we felt let down and we'd rather be spared the pain.

I was eight.

Keeping our word matters.
Painting pretty pictures for our own benefit
and dragging others through our made up visions is selfish.
It helped my parents feel better as excitement thrummed in hopes of a great time.
But when the truth surfaced and our dreams fell,
so did our trust in those who broke their word.

By the tender age of nine I had decided my parents couldn't be counted on.
To me, they were either liars or fools.
Neither option instilled confidence.

I wrote them off.

People discount those who lack follow through.
We've heard it said, that someone is all talk.
Nothing actually gets done and we don't take them seriously.
We might like the person who spins dreams,
but we never rely on them.

We must guard against being full of it.
It's terrific for our writing, not for living.

 Eye roll here. How do we accomplish that?

Think before we promise.
If we say we'll meet a deadline, assist a friend, wash the car, we do it.
End of story.

We decide our word means something.
That we have integrity.
We are trustworthy.

This week, keep your promises to a minimum.
I have a rule of three.
If someone asks me to do something,
I tell them I'll let them know rather than promise in the moment.
We deserve time to see if it's doable.

If we're committed to a critique group, family, and a deadline
then hold off before promising more.
It may feel great to give the other person what they want,
but when the rug is yanked out, they won't adore us.

They may write us off.

This week keep a record of what you have currently promised to do.
Is it reasonable?
If not, tell the people involved that you must decline.
I know, huge let down, flaky status.
But it's better to be up front.

No one likes to find out you can't do their wedding flowers
the day before the ceremony.
More time allows them to get it taken care of.

Try keeping your promises down to three.
Write those in your journal.
You might choose to only commit to something new once you've fulfilled one on your list.
More than that, you're over booked.
You'll be less stressed, get more done and do a far better job.
Everyone will be happier.

 Let me know how this works for you.
Thanks for your comments.

First, Fix What Ails You.

Are you tired, stressed and down right crabby?
Do you find yourself working too hard?
Maybe you're stomping on that gas peddle,
spinning your wheels in futility and
digging a deep hole rather than moving forward.

Often, we believe running faster,
and putting our shoulder to the wheel will assure success.

How's that working for you?

Months ago, I wrote my tush off, plotted, edited,
and rewrote till by eyes burned and my back spasmed.
Determined to be productive.

I thought.

Pages mounted, but on inspection they lacked that indescribable spark
that ignites a readers soul and warms the heart.

Why?

 I studied craft. I spent ample time writing.
What had I missed?

Living!

I'd thrown myself off balance.
All work and no play makes Jane a dull girl.

My characters were grey as an old fence and just as wooden.
And the plots were dry as the salt flats,
because I'd forgotten an important tool in fiction.

Play.

Engaging in the creation of art should be fun, joyful and exciting.
I'd made it a distasteful chore.
Big grimace at that realization.
Not as painful as a root canal with out anaesthesia, but close.
What I'd slaved to produce bored the hell out of me.

No fun.
No life.
No point in anyone reading that drivel.

I took a break and forced myself to venture out, go to a movie,
have dinner with friends, and reconnect with the joys of the world.
It took a few weeks to recover from my Spartan diet of fun,
but it happened.

I made a leap from my logical, rule oriented side of my brain
to the playful, intuitive and creative mind.

Characters gained depth.
Plots sizzled with danger and excitement.
I enjoyed the process and the result.
It was fun.

Fun and work do not have to be at odds.
They can be joined together.

Wow.
Wish I'd known that as a kid.
I would've grumbled less at cleaning my room.
Somehow, I missed this lesson when watching "Mary Poppins."

This week take time to play.
Grab your journal and jot down at least ten things to do that fill your heart,
or make you laugh and giggle.
Your writing will improve.
So will your life.

Every day play from your list.
In time you'll be spontaneous and not need the prompts.
Kids don't need directions to fun.
They just are.

Jot your experience in your journal.
Please share your comments with the group.
Share the joy! Be the fun!

Let's Get Clear.

Clarity can come from stillness,
that quiet moment when the chatter stops,
the light bulb flashes and you understand.

It can also come from removing yourself from your normal routine.
Anyone working in a creative field needs to recharge and gain perspective.
We all do.
One way is to get away from life and go on retreat.
A place free of your regular demands and schedule.

As a child, we vacationed in the Sequoias in Norther California.
Giant red woods, some over two thousand years in age,
brought a sense of awe to my ten year old mind
reminding me that I wasn't the center of the universe.

Such outings have the power to change our point of view
giving us a creative surge to think outside the box and solve problems.
Write, paint, create.

If you can't take off for a few days and commune with your muse,
then build an oasis at home.
No television or other avoidance or addictive behaviors allowed.
Stop grumbling, it's only for a few days.

Do things different, change it up.
When you get home from work, light candles, take a long bath,
and listen to soothing music.
Watch the stars and reverence the immensity of the universe.
Do something out of the ordinary.

Physical change opens us up to mental change.

Take a new route to work or the store.
Try using your left hand if right handed.
Go to a different restaurant.
Try a unique hobby.

This can take your mind out of it's rut to new horizons.
Each new experience creates new pathways in your brain.
You become smarter, more able to deal with situations in new ways.
You see solutions.
A definite asset for a writer.

The goal is to retreat from the dull and expected
and break into the untried.
Make a point to try something new every day.
It's a mini vacation.
You vacate the norm.

This week create a retreat.
It can be a few days,
it may be at home, on the other side of the world
or just one opportunity that stretches you.
Any and all are good.

Jot your plan and experience in your journal.
Pen how it feels.
Notice how it affects your creativity and attitude. 

Please share your experience with the rest of us.
If commenting is a new activity for you,
then please feel free to express your thoughts here.

As for me,  I'm starting work on a different writing genre.
Pushing boundaries is freeing.

Free yourself.
You can do it!

Treading Water Is For Fishes.

Some time ago I had a disturbing dream.
You know the kind.
I'm in the ocean with no help in sight.
I'd tread water for hours unable to decide which direction to take.
What was the shortest distance to land?
Were their sharks in one direction and rip tides in another?
I made no progress because I feared making the wrong choice.

Inspiration hit.

Any direction is preferable to floating around going no where.
I said, "Duh!"
Really.

The only wrong choice was no choice.
Acting a coward and fear of messing up had immobilized me.

Not good.

Intuition whispered each direction brought me to a different place,
with different lessons along the way.
None were wrong.

Of course I know this, but I needed reminding.
I needed to commit and move in that direction.
Action.

This dream came when I struggled to define my self as a writer.
What genre?
Novel length or novella?
The point was to choose something and go for it.
Swim my guts out in that direction and
if it didn't work out, choose again.

Isn't life grand?
We have a myriad of choices at any moment.
We are in control and can change our minds.
But we have to start.

If I did nothing but continue to tread water, what would happen?
In time I'd tire and sink like a stone.
I'd become fish food and no one would know I'd ever tried anything.
I would have failed my self and the world.

I know that sounds harsh,
but we are each unique and bring with us remarkable gifts.
Only you can write your story.
Only you can be that needed friend and love the way you do.

You are a blessing.
It's time to swim and bring your special talents to the shore.

Take out your journal and answer these questions:


Where in your life are you treading water?
Take time to answer this in at least three areas.

What has you afraid? Why?

If you continue to float aimlessly what will happen?

Is that better than taking the risk, committing to a direction and swimming hard?

What is your gut telling you?

Tackle the first of the three areas this week.
It's all right to be afraid, but act.

You can do it!

Please share your wisdom with the rest of us.

Follow Your Gut.

With the new year, most of us are making resolutions for change.
What doesn't work must be evicted from our lives for our true passion to grow.
But how do you know the proper course?

Intuition.

It's that still small voice,
that burning in your chest or sinking feeling in your stomach.
All are signs your body enlists to gain your attention to act.
You use intuition all the time, but you may not realize it.
If you're a writer, your vibes lead to plot,
character and emotion in your story.
There is a feel to things going in the right way.

This same creative force is available in the rest of your life.

I hear grumbles.
No. I'm a plotter, I strategies, use logic to create my tales.
Even if you do outline in length, you still use a burst of creativity.
The muse dwells in your gut.

It's not mumbo-jumbo, it's science.
In The Molecules of Emotion, by Candace B. Pert, Ph.D.,
she explains the molecular association to our emotions.
Joy, fear, sadness and those niggling feelings that make us wary.
Molecules are behind all that,
chemicals sending messages and it can be measured.

For ancient man to survive,
he needed awareness on a deep level to avoid being eaten.
We still have those abilities.
Follow your gut.

When we're writing and feel stuck,
it's intuition saying we've taken the story off track.
Don't force it and plod forward.
Stop, listen and find what's off.
Your body knows--trust it.

The other week I delivered Christmas goodies to friends.
Though my friends office was close by,
I felt impressed to go out of my way and visit there last.
Was it logical?
Not at all.
 I did it anyway.

 I arrived to find an old school chum at the desk transacting business.
We'd lost touch some years ago.
Had I arrived five minutes sooner or later,
I would have missed her.
We hugged, traded information and reconnected.
It was meant to be.
But only because I didn't argue and chose to listen and act.

Intuition always has our best in mind.
It's what kept cave men alive, what moves you to call a friend,
take a different rout home or  any number of small things in a day.

It is the small things that bless our lives.
The more you act on following your hunch the easier it becomes.
Intuition has one purpose,
to make your life better.

Who doesn't want that?

Following those feelings brought me to an awesome critique partner,
and told me to write.
It's how I met my husband,
avoided a car accident, found countless lost items,
and a plethora of other small but valuable experiences.

This week start keeping track in your journal of those feelings.
Follow them and write down what happens.
When you act on them, they will increase.
Like a muscle, the more you use it the stronger it gets.

Following your intuition will improve your life,
your writing, and you'll learn to trust your self more.

All good things.

Start small. Before you act, ask if that's the best thing.
Wait.
See how you feel.
Then move forward.

Record these experiences in your journal.
The more you do this the stronger your impressions will become.

My new years resolution:
To listen to my gut even more and act quicker.

Let me know of your experience.
Comments always valued.

Batten Down The Hatches!

One down and New Years to go.
The holidays are a gift.
That's what I tell my self as my husband is at work this Christmas morning,
and my daughter has been up with food poisoning since three a.m.
Not my doing, we'd gone out.
A mother's sigh of relief.

On the brighter side, my husband will be home tonight, my son will arrive,
and I have plenty of clear liquids to pour into our youngest child. (Age 25)
It brings me to this point:
What matters?

Emotions run high, endless demands on time, money,
and family strains leave us frazzled.
Now that the gifts have been opened
and the New Year dawns, reflect on what brought joy?

Holidays bring us closer to family, friends, and ourselves.
We are forced to look at what works in our lives, what doesn't,
and what we've avoided and swear we'll never do again.

It's the pressure.

Relationships come to the fore, we become aware of who we love,
where we're done, and what we want.
Take advantage of the awareness.
Write it all down in your journal.

But this time, instead of stuffing the truth,
behind aunt Sara's fruit cake in your memories, do something.

Do more in your life of what you enjoyed this season,
and less of what you endured.

Re-evaluate your career, relationships,
your personal growth and joy.
Be honest.

Can you improve on them?
Are you willing to do the work?
Or like the gift wrap strewn on the floor after presents are opened,
is it time to clean up the mess and take out the trash?
Only you can decide.

Be active.
Choose a course, captain you ship of life, and cast off for open seas.
It's tough to set sail with your hull leaking and a broken a mast.
Take inventory, load supplies, and get on with the the voyage of living.

Don't fix what's not broken.
Repair what needs it, and what can't be fixed, toss and replace.
It takes time, but give yourself a deadline.

Your ship can't conquer new worlds sitting in dry dock.
Get your life back in the water,
catch the wind and put out to sea.
Write your dates for accomplishment.
You can always adjust them.

Act.

When we do nothing, nothing happens.

Take this opportunity to patch those holes in your sails,
and replace your rutter ready to embark on the greatest adventure--living.

It's Just A Job.

If you've followed this blog,
you're armed with a list of your values.
This week we're going to find what work allows you to live them.

Many of us are writers.
I applaud you for owning your passion.
But what about the rest of the values on your list?
Does writing or your current occupation implement
all that sends your spirit soaring?
Not likely.

Life is multifaceted.
So are we.

Life is best when we fully express who we are.

Imagine your current employment has disappeared
requiring you do something totally different.

Do I hear grumbling?
Loosen up and enjoy the process.
This is an opportunity to learn about your nature and desires.

Take your journal and jot five alternate careers inspired from last weeks list of values.
What? You didn't do last weeks lesson.

No problem.

If you don't have your list,
I'll stand by while you read the previous post,
do the assignment and return ready for action.

Ready with your values?
Excellent!

Based on your values write five career choices in your journal.
They can be anything that fills you.
Don't edit.
No dis-qualifiers based on your current job, your age, lack of experience or funds.
Are you excited to let your imagination run free?

Let her loose!

Once you have your list of five, do you see any similarities in your choices?

True Example:

A scientist. He's good at his job, but unsatisfied.

He makes a list based on what he values:

Painter
Interior designer
photography
graphic artist
floral designer

When this gentleman viewed his choices, it surprised him.
No wonder he felt stuck in a life alien to him.
His creativity was unexplored.
It didn't feed his soul.

He made a change.
We all can.

Start small taking baby steps.
First, he bought art supplies.
He didn't paint, just had supplies.
Next week he signed up for a class.
Then, he began to dabble.

A year later he sold his first painting.
He kept his day job, but his life had changed, and become fulfilling.
All because he included value in his life.

When he retires in a few years,
he plans a trip to Paris and make painting his career.

He's happier having embraced his value of creating beauty.

With the New Year upon us,
this is an excellent time to make a resolution. 
What action will you take to instill value in your work
or move to a new career?

Make a note of at least one action.
Place it where you'll see it for motivation.

No guilt.
You're busy, these actions should bring you joy.
If they feel burdensome,
you don't have a value, you have a should.

Each week, add a new action that brings you closer to your authentic self.
What ever you choose--Do It.

Feel the energy flow into you, the joy, and love for life.
As you fill yourself, you fill others.
You're a gift and your talents bless the world.

Express them.

I applaud your courage and efforts to stand firm in your values.
I am blessed by your example.

Are You Empty Or full?

I'm not referring to your stomach stuffed with the splendor of holiday fare.
This is deeper.
What is the condition of your life?

We're talking full-fill-ment.

How full are you in your career?
Does it chip away at your spirit day by day
or rush over you in joyful torrents of worth?

Few of us experience the latter.
Why?

It could be we haven't recognized what we value and love doing.

We go about life doing what we should,
must, what others tell us matters,
and in the process neglect to live.

Living is beyond mundane existence.

Time to ask your self a few questions:

When do you feel alive?
When energy and excitement thrum through your veins, what are you doing?
When a spark of light ignites your mind, what are you up to?
Reflect on this for a moment.

Get your journal, and write the circumstances,
and experiences where you felt fulfilled and alive.
What pivotal moments and highlights rocked you?
Write them down.
Own them.
Go for ten, but at least five.

Do you have them?
Good!
Congratulations on courageously knowing another part of you.

Beside each, jot why it was important to you.
I'll wait.

Next, pen the value it expresses.
By value, I refer to what fills you.
Knowing what lifts and feeds you,
is the first step in creating work and a life you love.

Write your top five values.

It might look something like this:

Being in nature
Connecting with friends
Learning
Travel
Peace

There is no should or wrong way to do this.
It's your list.

This week, look for ways to incorporate what you value into your life.
 For me, this is time in meditation, reading, writing this blog, among other joys.
Doing what you value is a sign of self worth.
Sadly, not taking part in these activities is a sign of self lack.

You are valuable!

Small actions bring big results.
You are a gift.
Life is the means of expressing that gift in the world.

Live.

Keep this list,
because we're going to build on it next week.

Thank you for taking part in your life,
your future, and making the world whole through your wholeness.

Who Do You Think You Are, Anyway?

My mom would follow that up with, the queen of Sheba.

Most of us aren't what we seem.
We're liars, fakers, con artists and impostors.
Not because we pretend to be the queen of Sheba
or some other high-toned, fancy pants.

No. We're liars of the worst sort.
We stubbornly believe that we're less.
 If someone gives a compliment, we discount it.
We feel undeserving of the good that comes our way.

How do you know if you take part in self loathing?
Take a look at your life.
Get your journal out and prepare to write.
Answer these questions--honestly.

What are your dreams?
 Relationship, career, family, whatever it is jot it on the page.
Don't edit.
Dreams are supposed to be big. Allow.

Have you reached them?
Answer for each desire you wrote down.

This is either a yes or no.
Actively moving toward a dream counts as a yes.
Thinking about it for three years is a no.
Sorry. Only Action counts.

There's one reason for falling short of those desires.

Drum roll.

You.

Damn. Don't you hate that?
It's not how your family treated you as a kid.
It's not the loser boyfriend or the petulant boss,
or that you have health issues that make you gain weight.
These may be obstacles,
but they rarely keep you from achieving your dreams.

Only you have that power.

And you do have power.
What you are willing to accept comes from a deep place
where you decide what you deserve.

What are you worth?

Answer that question in your journal,
but as you pen the words also say them out loud.
Is it difficult?
Can you say:

I'm lovable.
I am beautiful.
I am a New York Times best selling novelist.

The more resistance you feel,
the more you don't believe you deserve these things.
If you don't believe you deserve them,
you will sabotage your efforts.

I was visiting with two women recently.
They both want to be married and have a family.
It hasn't happened.
I told them they will accept the degree of love,
success, and supportive relationships
as they are willing to give themselves.

What was their response?

"I'm screwed."

I wish I were making this up.
At that moment they acknowledged a profound lack of self love.
Their homework was to treat themselves as if.


As if they were lovable.
As if they were (insert your dream).
We can all benefit from this.

If I loved my self I would....

Write the answers in your journal.
Take as long as you like.

Here's the fun part.
Live that way.
Do those things.
It will change you.
Action transforms.
Thought alone won't do it.

Why bother?

Because you are a gift to the world.
You are worth it.
You are lovable.
And you can't give what you don't possess--even to yourself. 


I want you to receive all your dreams.
You wouldn't have them if they weren't possible.
Your subconscious envisions the truth.
It's possible, if you decide that you deserve it.

Let me know how this goes.
How does it make you feel?
I support you in your best self.
The one inside that you deny.
You are amazing!

Was Thanks Plucked With The Turkey?

It's the weekend after Thanksgiving and most of us are frazzled,
shopping for the big dinner, cooking,
followed by midnight Black Friday deals.

Where is the thanks in Thanksgiving?

I'm not just talking about the traditional form of the holiday,
but the everyday courtesy of a kind note of gratitude.
I hear you grumbling.
Who has the time?

We do.

 Sending a thank you saves time and effort.
How do you feel when someone goes out of their way to send a gift,
a card or make eye contact expressing gratitude for a small favor?
I want to do more for that person.
Guess what--most people react positively to kindness.

Thanks is the first rule of abundance and returns to you ten fold.

Make friends with those merchants you frequent.
Say thank you and mean it.
I've been informed early when things will go on sale.
The clerk gives me the coupon price even though I don't have the coupon.
People are thrilled to give when they're valued for their efforts.

What about friends, co-workers and family?
It only takes a minute to jot a note and mail it.
Hand written means more today because few people do it.

Be that person.

Neighbor kids have baked me cookies,
others have helped me rake leaves.
I've been surprised with theater tickets,
free pizza,  and dinners have come my way,
because I took a moment to appreciate people.

We all need to be valued.

There's too little kindness and respect in the world.
News of altercations on Black Friday is proof,
fights, pepper spray, and tears,
as people lost their humanity in selfish battles for stuff.

Value people and they will value you.
Those that don't aren't worth worrying about.
As grandma used to say,
what goes around comes around.

Giving thanks opens the floodgates to receiving.
It begins with the warm feeling in your heart
when you share your gratitude and love with others.

This week send three thank you notes everyday.
Just a few words is perfect.
It can change your attitude and lift someone who felt invisible.

Write your experience in your journal.
I challenge you to make it a habit and pen a thank you daily.

I thank you for supporting me and my blog.
You make me feel valued with your comments.
I appreciate your wisdom.
Thank you for being friends and examples of love.

Bless you.

Tis The Season For Giving--What Again?

Some dread the lines at the store,
the lists of gifts to purchase, and expense.
Is that what we focus on?
Giving is an opportunity to show others what they mean to us.
It's the thrill of watching eyes light up or glisten with emotion.

Why do we give?

Is it because we owe a present?
Is it expected and an obligation?
That's not a gift.
Gifts have no strings.
They come from the heart. They don't expect anything in return.
They are tokens of gratitude for sharing a life and connection.

Gifts are free to the receiver and expand the giver.
It all rests on our attitude.
They don't have to be purchased, but can be.
They come on the form of hugs, encouragement,
cards, e-mails, phone calls, and carefully wrapped packages.
Gifts can be given anytime.
For no particular reason.
No holiday or birthday required to spread a little love.

Does it put a silly grin on your face when your honey brings you flowers just because?
Of course!
Does my hubby get extra loving for the effort?
Yes, and he then has an equally silly grin.
Give what you can from your heart.

I knew an older woman who gave what she liked.
Often ornately, hand decorated, huge Christmas ornaments.
She enjoyed making them.
Unfortunately, many didn't appreciate the thought.
One receiver had a closet where she tossed such creative efforts.
Another woman told me she hid the ornaments in the back of her tree,
where they wouldn't be seen and mar her decorating.

Really?

I'm not kidding. 
They missed the point.

Perhaps the bobbles were overpowering,
but the giver cared enough to spend hours adding each bead and pearl.
Her back ached as she struggled to glue another ribbon in place,
until she felt it worthy of those she loved.
I received a number of these over the years,
and gave them a place of honor among my decorations.
When she came to visit, she smiled,
tears fell from her blue eyes and down her wrinkled cheeks.
Because I valued her gift she felt valued.

She's gone now, but I'll still hang her ornaments with love.

Giving goes both ways.

Do we receive the gifts given?
Those who stashed the ornaments didn't receive.
All lost out.

Look beyond to the meaning.

To be loved is everything.
When someone gives believe they care.
Let it touch your heart.

Receive.

Make the effort to give meaningful gifts.
A writer who uses a particular pen and can always use another.
A child would love to help bake cookies.
Giving is a present to all.

Does this sound like work?
It doesn't have to be.
A letter of gratitude and love is a meaningful gift.
Lunch, grabbing a drink, or going to the dollar movie.

This week jot down three people you want to really give to.

Make it real.
Make it matter to both of you.
Give it thought.
It's worth it.

Once you give the gift.
Write how the process felt, how it was received,
and how it affected you.

You are gifts I cherish.
Your comments let me know my small efforts lift a heart, encourage, and clarify.
Thank you for that gift.
I receive it with joy.
Bless you!

Dating Is Not Dead

Who do you count on when things get tough?
Who binds your wounds, holds you, listens to your hopes,
your fears, and loves you when your sick and irritable?
If you're lucky, you have a critique partner that will do that,
but most of us rely on a spouse at two in the morning.

That's a ton to expect from the most important person in our life.
How much time do we put into that relationship?

The national average is twenty-seven minutes of one-on-one conversation per week.

Gasp and groan all you like, but that didn't count:
Complaining
Problems
Schedules
Chores (who is picking up dinner)
Watching TV in the same room
You writing as your spouse does something else in the same room
Both being home, but not talking.
Time spent with kids or others.

I'll give you a moment. I know you want to make your own tally.
Not so good is it?
What ever the number is for the week, does it feel like enough?

It might be a great time for you to jot down that number in your journal,
and how you currently feel about your mate,
and your marriage or relationship.

How can you tell if you're putting in enough face time?
Do you feel close to your spouse,
or do you share more with your writing group?
It should be your mate.
If not, there's work to do.

You need more bonding time.
Having fun, talking about your hopes, dreams, your plans for the future.
Remember when you did that on dates?
Time to revisit that experience.
First Rule:
No complaining allowed.

I know that for some couples given that stipulation,
they'd be reduce to slack-jawed stares over the kitchen table,
as they each tried to find something to say.
But not you. You write!
Never at a loss for words,
you engage in witty repartee at all hours.


For some reason, when face to face with the one person,
who has the power to devastate us,we become buffoons,
unable to string a coherent phrase together filled with honest emotion.

But if you want a loving, supportive relationship,
you must feed it with emotion and time.
We feed our plants, our pets, and the parking meter.
Put your relationship at the top of that list.

If you've been together for a very long time,
(Thirty-four years this month for me)
You may need a nudge to recall just what you did back when you dated.

Dress up.
Date each other
Make it special. (A walk can be special holding hands)
Get a haircut
Put on perfume or cologne
Do your nails
Give honest compliments
Hug
Kiss
Hold hands
Listen
Look at each other

Do it all with anticipation for being together.
Those embers aren't dead,
just in need of some fanning to reignite.

Go out once a week and hold that date as sacred.

This is the most important relationship in your life.
Treat it that way.
Your relationship will only be,
as loving and supportive as the nurturing you give it.

No feeding = Starvation.

And we all know what happens when we're starving emotionally.
That ugly dumpster diver shows up resulting in destructive behavior, arguments, affairs, divorce.
Not pretty.

Feed your marriage and you nurture your self.
Smiles all around.
Jot down fun date ideas in your journal and schedule them.
Schedule making love if you need to.

After a few weeks, journal how this has changed your relationship and your feelings.

Please comment with your fun date ideas.
We can all use them.

Who Is Your Family?

I'm blessed to still have both my parents, and loving siblings.
I've lived far from them most of my adult life, and miss them.
As a young mother without close family,
I came to value their phone calls, visits, and gifts sent in the mail.
I needed that contact. It fed my soul.
It still does.

Family support is essential.

Because of distance, I was forced to look around me for the hugs and love I missed.
In-laws took over for the dearth of my own family.
Friends, organizations, critique groups, book clubs, co-workers,
and neighbors have all filled some of that need for unconditional acceptance.

As humans, we need to connect to others.
It's part of our make-up.
Primates live in communities, not alone.
Community keeps us alive and well.

In the 1980's, a study was done in a small Pennsylvania town.
These people maintained their bacon, sausage, and high fat consumption,
verses a group outside the town restricting their diets.
The purpose of the study was to prove how limitting fat can prolong your life.

It was a dismal failure.

At the end of ten years, those stuffing themselves with brats and beer had less heart disease,
fewer heart attacks, and when they did succumb to a cardiac episode, they recovered faster.
Years later, more of the gravy munchers were still alive.

Why? It went against all the science.

The researchers decided to study this small town.
What was different?

Connection.

They found a close knit community.
They took care of each other and supported through illness.
They talked often, hugged, loved and cried together.

They were family.

The conclusion asstounded the pencile pushing intellects.
People need love and support of others more than a pill.
Imagine.
A doctor prescribes three hugs and a good laugh with friends as your cure.

If you don't have the unconditional love of close family,
follow the precepts of the Pennsylvania town and make everyone your family.
You have ample brothers, sisters, parents when you open your eyes and heart.
There is love to be shared everywhere,
and I've yet to meet anyone who refused a hug when offered.
I  hug.

Talk to people, share your hurts and joys and connect.
Be open and honest.

Be family.

The holidays bring family to mind.
Relationship is the healer, connection the balm to our souls.
This week, take a look at who you call family and add to that list.
If you lack a mother, befriend someone.
Think of the movie, Fried Green Tomatoes.

Family is there when we're willing to open our circle and love.
Give at least one hug every day.
Tell someone they matter.
Do some kindness.
Call someone to say you miss them.
Laugh over dinner with friends.

Connect and be whole.
Be one as your family grows with that love and unity.

Tell people in your life that you love them while you can.
Love and family transform us.

Please comment and share your experience.

I Can't Ask For That!

As children, we dressed up for Halloween.
Fevered with anticipation,
we stood at a door waiting to receive.
Why?
Because we knocked.
On Halloween the asking took the form of Trick Or Treat.
And it worked.

We arrived home burdened with candy,
and all because we bravely knocked,
and said the words ensuring our need for sweetness be met.

What happened to us between then and now?
How many of us are carrying an empty sack, longing to fill it,
but too embarrassed or afraid to knock?

The door today is anyone who potentially might fill our need,
a lover, parent, friend, co-worker or boss.
We don't say Trick Or Treat, and perhaps that's part of the problem.
Asking specific desires be met is scary.

The first time you went to a door as a child,
dressed in your costume, and you had to knock,
say the words that would bring sugared bliss, it took courage.
It still does.
You found that well of fearlessness and you can still draw from it.

As adults, weve forgotten the lessons learned at Halloween.
We don't knock.
When we do knock,
are we the little fiend who grasps with both hands taking all?
Are we greedy expecting every need be met by one person?
One need to a customer, just one candy bar.
Don't dump the contents of their bowl into your pillow case.
The person will run out of goodies for themselves and all the other children.

No wonder they stop answering the door when they see us coming.

We do that, expect our lover, family and friends to fill our bag.
One stop shopping does not apply.

 They are not Walmart.

Do we say thank you when someone drops a chocolate bar into our sack?
Remember the lessons of Halloween.
Personally, I give extra to the kid who says thank you,
and the sticky fingered vulture trying to score too much gets a reprimand.
One to a customer ensures enough for all.

Once you know your specific needs, be respectful in how you fill them.
Ask politely. You can't force them to give.
 People that love you will be happy to drop a Snickers bar into your sack,
if you only ask for one.


Spread your needs around. Visit more than one house.
Knock on many doors.
A hug here, a phone call there, a foot massage, or dinner out.
What ever the need, knock on the door and courageiously open your bag.
Take your goody, express thanks and move on.
Reciprocate when they knock on your door.
In four to six weeks you'll be overflowing.

And like a gleeful urchin, your sack dragging with abundance,
you enjoyed the experience and so did the giver.
I love seeing the bright eyes and smiles,
as I drop goodies into their plastic pumpkins.
My husband gets a similar grin when I greet him with a passionate kiss.
And we both are filled.

This week, choose five needs and find five different people to fill each.
No doubling up.
One only.
If you need more hugs, knock on more doors.

Let me know how it goes.
I'm not great at asking for my needs.
I've gotten better, but it's a process.
When asking for a need terrifies you, it's because it's real.
You may be on the verge of scraping used gum off pavement to get your sugar fix.
Don't
It's desperation looming.
Feed it in a healthy way.
Ask those who care about you.

Please comment.
See, I'm asking.

Smile, and Happy Halloween!
















       

But I'm Starving!

Have you ever felt irritable, ignored, unloved, deprived or resentful?
How about Angry?

Of course you have.

We all experience uncomfortable feelings,
when our emotional needs aren't met.
Who is responsible  for seeing these needs get filled?
We are.
Big shock, I know.

Most of us hold our emotional needs deep inside,
where we're unaware of their hunger.
At some point they reach out in desperation
and we do something outrageous or destructive to stave off starvation.

That's right, starvation.

Our emotional needs are real.
A part of us that lives, breathes and struggles to survive.
When they aren't fed, they act.

If you were starving, skin and bone, and sure to die without  nourishment,
you might be willing to dine from a garbage can.
It would be understandable.
Self preservation is strong.

Emotional needs are just as powerful and demanding.

They can drive us to act in bizarre ways when unmet.
And it can be down right ugly when they do.

This is why it's wise to acknowledge that niggling voice,
that emotional discomfort that has you irritated and crabby.
Those are the rumblings of hunger.
And hunger will not be denied.

Oh, you can try to ignore it.
But you won't win against survival instincts.
They cause a lonely person to sleep with the wrong partner.
The controller to lose a job because of an argument with their boss.
The pleaser to say yes to everything, overload themselves,
fail and please no one.

If we desire successful lives,
we need to fill those emotional needs,
before they fill themselves any way possible.

A starving man will eat about anything.
A starving need will do the same.
Stop feeling guilty for trying to survive.
Get over it.
Feed the need and head off behaviour that elicits destruction and guilt.

A short list of common needs:

To be loved:
Adored, valued, cherished, prized, honored respected,
cared for, saved, approved, listened to, included, treasured.

When one of these needs resonates with you, write it in your journal.
It's hungry. Pay attention.

More needs:

To be right, control, dominate, to feel important,
to serve, to be served, to be noticed, independent, to follow,
comfort, to grow, safety, peace, play, touch, to succeed, loyalty,
power, abundance, work, order, perfection.

The list could go on.
If something pops into your head, add that to your list.

Acknowledge your rumbling needs,
before they go dumpster diving.
Stop consuming rotten sustenance to survive. 
Ignoring needs doesn't solve anything.
It isn't a sign of self control or strength,
it's weakness that denies the truth.
You are strong.

Pick your top three needs.
Now that you have them,
choose to feed them in healthy, productive ways.
No need to exist on garbage,
when the worlds abundance is before your eyes.
Choose the best and fill your plate.
Don't wait until your desperate.

This week, work to fill your needs in healthy ways.
Please comment on your results.

Needs are part of being human.
It's a good thing.