Dating Is Not Dead

Who do you count on when things get tough?
Who binds your wounds, holds you, listens to your hopes,
your fears, and loves you when your sick and irritable?
If you're lucky, you have a critique partner that will do that,
but most of us rely on a spouse at two in the morning.

That's a ton to expect from the most important person in our life.
How much time do we put into that relationship?

The national average is twenty-seven minutes of one-on-one conversation per week.

Gasp and groan all you like, but that didn't count:
Complaining
Problems
Schedules
Chores (who is picking up dinner)
Watching TV in the same room
You writing as your spouse does something else in the same room
Both being home, but not talking.
Time spent with kids or others.

I'll give you a moment. I know you want to make your own tally.
Not so good is it?
What ever the number is for the week, does it feel like enough?

It might be a great time for you to jot down that number in your journal,
and how you currently feel about your mate,
and your marriage or relationship.

How can you tell if you're putting in enough face time?
Do you feel close to your spouse,
or do you share more with your writing group?
It should be your mate.
If not, there's work to do.

You need more bonding time.
Having fun, talking about your hopes, dreams, your plans for the future.
Remember when you did that on dates?
Time to revisit that experience.
First Rule:
No complaining allowed.

I know that for some couples given that stipulation,
they'd be reduce to slack-jawed stares over the kitchen table,
as they each tried to find something to say.
But not you. You write!
Never at a loss for words,
you engage in witty repartee at all hours.


For some reason, when face to face with the one person,
who has the power to devastate us,we become buffoons,
unable to string a coherent phrase together filled with honest emotion.

But if you want a loving, supportive relationship,
you must feed it with emotion and time.
We feed our plants, our pets, and the parking meter.
Put your relationship at the top of that list.

If you've been together for a very long time,
(Thirty-four years this month for me)
You may need a nudge to recall just what you did back when you dated.

Dress up.
Date each other
Make it special. (A walk can be special holding hands)
Get a haircut
Put on perfume or cologne
Do your nails
Give honest compliments
Hug
Kiss
Hold hands
Listen
Look at each other

Do it all with anticipation for being together.
Those embers aren't dead,
just in need of some fanning to reignite.

Go out once a week and hold that date as sacred.

This is the most important relationship in your life.
Treat it that way.
Your relationship will only be,
as loving and supportive as the nurturing you give it.

No feeding = Starvation.

And we all know what happens when we're starving emotionally.
That ugly dumpster diver shows up resulting in destructive behavior, arguments, affairs, divorce.
Not pretty.

Feed your marriage and you nurture your self.
Smiles all around.
Jot down fun date ideas in your journal and schedule them.
Schedule making love if you need to.

After a few weeks, journal how this has changed your relationship and your feelings.

Please comment with your fun date ideas.
We can all use them.

And You Call That A Friend?

You're sitting at lunch with a friend you've known for years. She's complaining about her family, her husband, her job or lack of one. This friend rattles on and on through lunch giving you time to grunt when she pauses to take a breath. When the bill comes, she throws a few dollars on the table and says she's got to run. You leave feeling used and drained.

Guess what--you're right.
You were used and drained of energy.

As you can see, this week we're covering relationships. How often do we waist time with people that suck the life out of us, because we feel it's our duty, or out of habit or proximity without getting much in return? I've done my share of suffering through such friendships.  Ugh! I'm over it.

Life is too short to spend it with people who don't value you, are self involved or wear you out. Do any names or faces come to mind? We all have friends or belong to groups that, either no longer serve us because we've grown, or they treat us with disregard and indifference. Who needs it? Not you!

People change. Chances are, if the relationship isn't serving you, it isn't doing much for your friend either. Let it go. There's no need to make a big deal about it, just spend less time with them and allow the connection to fade naturally.  You don't have to have a big talk. This is not high school. No drama needed. You're an adult, and people come and go in our lives.

It's okay.

There are relationships that need some honest conversation to mend. If this feels like the case, and you want to invest further, by all means, go for it. State what bothers you calmly without blame. If the friendship is strong, you may come to an understanding. If it doesn't work out, let it go and know you tried. No hard feelings.

If you've been diligently working  on the coaching lessons, it's likely you'll be letting go of some old friends, a critique group or partner. Make room for relationships that inspire you and aid you in the creation of your dreams. Remember, the universe abhors a vacuum. Make room, and watch for the good that will fill it.

This week, make a list in your journal of people and groups that suck you dry. Decide how to handle each case. Let them slowly fade or talk it out. Notice how you feel about ending these connections and why. Write about it and then act. Even a bad relationship ending brings a feeling of loss. Let your self feel it. Write what you'll miss or what you wished for that didn't exist. Be real and honest in your journal.

You have to be your own best friend first.