Sunday, October 9, 2011

I Hate When....

What do complaining and negativity have in common?


Do you enjoy being judged? Of course not.
No one does.
So why dish it out?
Does it improve anything?
Does it make you popular?
When we judge others we're poisoning our own well.

Imagine that you're at lunch with a friend.
She harps about someone you both know,
complaining about how rude she is or flaky,
lazy, loud, insensitive, judgmental, whatever.

As the complaining continues, you find yourself wondering
what this friend says about you when you're not there.
You begin to distrust her and retreat.

Most often, those berating others are harsh judges of themselves.
Before we go on, take your journal and write five behaviors that you complain about,
things that drive you crazy, and be specific.

I'll wait.

Have them?


Jane is never on time. I hate it because it's rude.
Who does she think she is, a princess?
My time is as valuable as hers is.

You get the idea.
If you need to add to your list, terrific.
Do it now.


Everything you wrote is judgment.
No big surprise.
I'm not saying you should put up with poor behavior from others,
voice your opinion about it calmly, and move on.

Is letting it go difficult?
Does the idea of forgiving the person's behavior drive us to distraction.
Situations and behaviors that irritate us, often have a close source.

They are tendencies we abhor in ourselves.

Take a look at the five things on your page.
Like it or not, these are aspects of your personality.
The parts you loath and can't forgive in others.

Because you haven't forgiven yourself for the same behaviors.

Each time we complain or are negative, we're not only judging others,
we're voicing what we fear is true about us and despise.

Late is rude.
Why does it anger me?
I refuse to be late, but why?
Will the world end if I walk in five minutes behind schedule to a party?
What does being late say about me?
Would I be rude, insensitive, bad, unlovable, deserving punishment,
all those vicious things I jotted on the page?

Judgment is based in fear that we are that person.
The nasty loser we accuse others of being.

The harsher the criticism, the stronger the fear that it's true of ourselves.

Great! (Eye role)
What do I do about it?


Forgive yourself for these traits.
Practice compassion.
You did the best you knew how at the time.
We all do.

You can't forgive others, if you won't forgive yourself.

Your words define you.
All of them.
The nasty snipe, critical jibe, sarcasm, they all tell us who you are,
how you see yourself deep inside.

You aren't hiding this truth from anyone, but yourself.

Next, write :
I forgive myself for...(behavior you listed prior)
Do this for all five.
Add, I am doing the best I can and that's enough.

Post these positive affirmations where you'll see them.
Read them often.
Say them out loud, especially when you fall into judgment.
Voice adds power.

Everyone does the best they know how.
If we truly understood a better way, believe me, we'd do it.
Most of us are pain adverse.
When we find something that works, we'll implement the change.

You are a good person.
You are loved.
You are doing the best you know how, and that's enough.

You are enough.
And so is every human being.

As always, let me know how you're doing?


  1. You are darling, Sandy. You always have a great 'get you thinking' blog. We've been there, it's the beast of a human. The saucer of milk, the claws out, the words that sting, everything we need to understand that we do and that it is a finger pointed at us.

  2. As always...right on target with subject and timing! Thanks girl! Oh, and congrats!

  3. Very intellectual, thought-provoking post, Sandy. Thank you. My list is made.

  4. Great post Sandy! words to live by!

  5. Thanks Sandy for the encouraging words. We often set up unrealistic ideals for ourselves and others to be.

    It's nice to hear:
    You are a good person.
    You are loved.
    You are doing the best you know how, and that's enough.