Sunday, October 30, 2011

I Can't Ask For That!

As children, we dressed up for Halloween.
Fevered with anticipation,
we stood at a door waiting to receive.
Because we knocked.
On Halloween the asking took the form of Trick Or Treat.
And it worked.

We arrived home burdened with candy,
and all because we bravely knocked,
and said the words ensuring our need for sweetness be met.

What happened to us between then and now?
How many of us are carrying an empty sack, longing to fill it,
but too embarrassed or afraid to knock?

The door today is anyone who potentially might fill our need,
a lover, parent, friend, co-worker or boss.
We don't say Trick Or Treat, and perhaps that's part of the problem.
Asking specific desires be met is scary.

The first time you went to a door as a child,
dressed in your costume, and you had to knock,
say the words that would bring sugared bliss, it took courage.
It still does.
You found that well of fearlessness and you can still draw from it.

As adults, weve forgotten the lessons learned at Halloween.
We don't knock.
When we do knock,
are we the little fiend who grasps with both hands taking all?
Are we greedy expecting every need be met by one person?
One need to a customer, just one candy bar.
Don't dump the contents of their bowl into your pillow case.
The person will run out of goodies for themselves and all the other children.

No wonder they stop answering the door when they see us coming.

We do that, expect our lover, family and friends to fill our bag.
One stop shopping does not apply.

 They are not Walmart.

Do we say thank you when someone drops a chocolate bar into our sack?
Remember the lessons of Halloween.
Personally, I give extra to the kid who says thank you,
and the sticky fingered vulture trying to score too much gets a reprimand.
One to a customer ensures enough for all.

Once you know your specific needs, be respectful in how you fill them.
Ask politely. You can't force them to give.
 People that love you will be happy to drop a Snickers bar into your sack,
if you only ask for one.

Spread your needs around. Visit more than one house.
Knock on many doors.
A hug here, a phone call there, a foot massage, or dinner out.
What ever the need, knock on the door and courageiously open your bag.
Take your goody, express thanks and move on.
Reciprocate when they knock on your door.
In four to six weeks you'll be overflowing.

And like a gleeful urchin, your sack dragging with abundance,
you enjoyed the experience and so did the giver.
I love seeing the bright eyes and smiles,
as I drop goodies into their plastic pumpkins.
My husband gets a similar grin when I greet him with a passionate kiss.
And we both are filled.

This week, choose five needs and find five different people to fill each.
No doubling up.
One only.
If you need more hugs, knock on more doors.

Let me know how it goes.
I'm not great at asking for my needs.
I've gotten better, but it's a process.
When asking for a need terrifies you, it's because it's real.
You may be on the verge of scraping used gum off pavement to get your sugar fix.
It's desperation looming.
Feed it in a healthy way.
Ask those who care about you.

Please comment.
See, I'm asking.

Smile, and Happy Halloween!


Sunday, October 23, 2011

But I'm Starving!

Have you ever felt irritable, ignored, unloved, deprived or resentful?
How about Angry?

Of course you have.

We all experience uncomfortable feelings,
when our emotional needs aren't met.
Who is responsible  for seeing these needs get filled?
We are.
Big shock, I know.

Most of us hold our emotional needs deep inside,
where we're unaware of their hunger.
At some point they reach out in desperation
and we do something outrageous or destructive to stave off starvation.

That's right, starvation.

Our emotional needs are real.
A part of us that lives, breathes and struggles to survive.
When they aren't fed, they act.

If you were starving, skin and bone, and sure to die without  nourishment,
you might be willing to dine from a garbage can.
It would be understandable.
Self preservation is strong.

Emotional needs are just as powerful and demanding.

They can drive us to act in bizarre ways when unmet.
And it can be down right ugly when they do.

This is why it's wise to acknowledge that niggling voice,
that emotional discomfort that has you irritated and crabby.
Those are the rumblings of hunger.
And hunger will not be denied.

Oh, you can try to ignore it.
But you won't win against survival instincts.
They cause a lonely person to sleep with the wrong partner.
The controller to lose a job because of an argument with their boss.
The pleaser to say yes to everything, overload themselves,
fail and please no one.

If we desire successful lives,
we need to fill those emotional needs,
before they fill themselves any way possible.

A starving man will eat about anything.
A starving need will do the same.
Stop feeling guilty for trying to survive.
Get over it.
Feed the need and head off behaviour that elicits destruction and guilt.

A short list of common needs:

To be loved:
Adored, valued, cherished, prized, honored respected,
cared for, saved, approved, listened to, included, treasured.

When one of these needs resonates with you, write it in your journal.
It's hungry. Pay attention.

More needs:

To be right, control, dominate, to feel important,
to serve, to be served, to be noticed, independent, to follow,
comfort, to grow, safety, peace, play, touch, to succeed, loyalty,
power, abundance, work, order, perfection.

The list could go on.
If something pops into your head, add that to your list.

Acknowledge your rumbling needs,
before they go dumpster diving.
Stop consuming rotten sustenance to survive. 
Ignoring needs doesn't solve anything.
It isn't a sign of self control or strength,
it's weakness that denies the truth.
You are strong.

Pick your top three needs.
Now that you have them,
choose to feed them in healthy, productive ways.
No need to exist on garbage,
when the worlds abundance is before your eyes.
Choose the best and fill your plate.
Don't wait until your desperate.

This week, work to fill your needs in healthy ways.
Please comment on your results.

Needs are part of being human.
It's a good thing.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Ten Pounds Lighter Overnight!

Is this the latest diet secret? Perhaps.
I'm not promising the extra pounds will melt off,
but practicing this week's tip will increase your energy,
lighten your spirit, and could shed weight you're holding on to.

Have you ever considered the link between excess weight and holding a grudge?

Packing on pounds can be a form of protection, armour to keep hurt at bay.
That's the physical result.
Though the emotional reasons vary for unwanted pounds,
there is one core issue that's the same.
A lack of forgiveness.

Hanging on to a grudge is as much a false fortress from pain,
as a layer of fat.
Believe me, I know.
There were times when I topped the scales with an additional 60 pounds.
And no, I wasn't pregnant.
That was even higher.

I'm sharing this so you'll understand that I get it.
Did I have unresolved resentments?
Did clinging to grudges protect me from pain?

We all suffer.
Unless you're a hermit, you have people to forgive.
Our feelings get stepped on,
and our value gets pummeled at work, school, by family, lovers, children, and friends.
Sorry, we can't control the actions of others, only our reactions.
The choice that heals is forgiveness.

"Fine," you say. "I forgive the jerk that cut me off on the way to work. Done!"

Not so fast.
There's still negative energy in that statement,
and it harbors the belief that you're a victim.

Do you recall the lesson, that we're all doing the best we can for now?
It's sad, but the person who cut you off might be doing their best.
Perhaps their child is dying and they're on the way to the hospital.
Cut people some slack.
Grant those who hurt you that perpective.

Is it easy?
Of course not.
If it were simple, you would've all ready done it.

When we hold a grudge,
we're using that anger and resentment to build walls.
They are flimsy as protection goes.
Why do we need walls?
Because we believe we're under attack,
we're victims, weak and imobile.

We can accept that lie or adhere to the truth.

We're as powerful as we choose to be.
No one can hurt you, unless you give them permission.

It's self responsibility.
When we forgive, we don't need the facade of strength,
the extra pounds, and the surly attitude,
because we're grounded in real power.
We know we're in control.
When that knowledge is at our core,
we no longer need the defenses that fool no one, but ourselves.

We've all heard that diets don't work, not alone.
We need self love and confidence.
Forgiveness is the ultimate demonstration of both.

This week, list at least five people you need to forgive.
Call or write them,
explain calmly without judgement or blame what hurt you.
Ask them to appologize and then forgive them.
For egregious acts,
therapy may be in order before you tackle forgivness.
If so, give yourself this gift.

If the person is dead or it's unwise to make contact,
write the letter and then when all that anger is left on the page, burn it.
Have a ceremony, if you like,
releasing your resentment to be transformed into love and forgiveness.

You'll feel energized, your heart will sing,
and don't be surprised that making this a weekly practice will allow a few pounds to slip off.
You have the courage to do this.
I've seen it in your comments, and your love.

As a parting thought from Ghandi:

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

You are strong!

Please leave comments.
It's a tough lesson, but worth it.
And so are you.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

I Hate When....

What do complaining and negativity have in common?


Do you enjoy being judged? Of course not.
No one does.
So why dish it out?
Does it improve anything?
Does it make you popular?
When we judge others we're poisoning our own well.

Imagine that you're at lunch with a friend.
She harps about someone you both know,
complaining about how rude she is or flaky,
lazy, loud, insensitive, judgmental, whatever.

As the complaining continues, you find yourself wondering
what this friend says about you when you're not there.
You begin to distrust her and retreat.

Most often, those berating others are harsh judges of themselves.
Before we go on, take your journal and write five behaviors that you complain about,
things that drive you crazy, and be specific.

I'll wait.

Have them?


Jane is never on time. I hate it because it's rude.
Who does she think she is, a princess?
My time is as valuable as hers is.

You get the idea.
If you need to add to your list, terrific.
Do it now.


Everything you wrote is judgment.
No big surprise.
I'm not saying you should put up with poor behavior from others,
voice your opinion about it calmly, and move on.

Is letting it go difficult?
Does the idea of forgiving the person's behavior drive us to distraction.
Situations and behaviors that irritate us, often have a close source.

They are tendencies we abhor in ourselves.

Take a look at the five things on your page.
Like it or not, these are aspects of your personality.
The parts you loath and can't forgive in others.

Because you haven't forgiven yourself for the same behaviors.

Each time we complain or are negative, we're not only judging others,
we're voicing what we fear is true about us and despise.

Late is rude.
Why does it anger me?
I refuse to be late, but why?
Will the world end if I walk in five minutes behind schedule to a party?
What does being late say about me?
Would I be rude, insensitive, bad, unlovable, deserving punishment,
all those vicious things I jotted on the page?

Judgment is based in fear that we are that person.
The nasty loser we accuse others of being.

The harsher the criticism, the stronger the fear that it's true of ourselves.

Great! (Eye role)
What do I do about it?


Forgive yourself for these traits.
Practice compassion.
You did the best you knew how at the time.
We all do.

You can't forgive others, if you won't forgive yourself.

Your words define you.
All of them.
The nasty snipe, critical jibe, sarcasm, they all tell us who you are,
how you see yourself deep inside.

You aren't hiding this truth from anyone, but yourself.

Next, write :
I forgive myself for...(behavior you listed prior)
Do this for all five.
Add, I am doing the best I can and that's enough.

Post these positive affirmations where you'll see them.
Read them often.
Say them out loud, especially when you fall into judgment.
Voice adds power.

Everyone does the best they know how.
If we truly understood a better way, believe me, we'd do it.
Most of us are pain adverse.
When we find something that works, we'll implement the change.

You are a good person.
You are loved.
You are doing the best you know how, and that's enough.

You are enough.
And so is every human being.

As always, let me know how you're doing?

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Are You Repellent?

You've heard it said, that someone has a magnetic personality
or he's loaded with animal magnetism.
What is that anyway?
Simply put, it's the power to attract.

Magnetism is a true principal.
Some call it attraction, same thing.
We all know people that seem blessed
with an abundance of money, friends, love or success.
Good things flow to them without effort.

Do you ask yourself, why doesn't that happen to me?
There probably are parts of your life where abundance rules,
but few of us manage an excess in all areas.
Why is that?

Because we are needy.

Neediness is not the same as having a need.
Neediness is a state of mind,
a firm belief in not having enough.
It's a grasping, desperation that creates the opposite of what we want.

We all know someone who is desperate for friends
and out of their neediness chases everyone away.
What about the man who is so tightfisted with his money,
that he looses what he has?

Neediness is based in fear.

The two most powerful repellents to attraction are hate and fear.
Have you seen needy people who are hateful, bitter individuals,
because other people have what they don't?

They're the opposite of magnetic.

They become repellent personalities and live repellent lives.
People, money, love, where ever they act in fear and hate
results in repelling the very thing they need.

Do you recall playing with magnets as a kid?
You were captivated by the invisible power
that lifted pins, nails, iron filings like magic.
Without visible effort the magnet attracted things and they stuck.

When you turned two magnets around, they no longer attracted,
but pushed each other apart with force.
The stronger the magnet, the stronger the attraction or the resistance.

The same principal acts in our lives.

It's easy enough to pin point where our anger and fears lie,
take a look at those unmet needs.
Our fear might not be huge, but enough to slow the flow to a trickle.
A weak magnet.

The good news is that you can change those beliefs.
This is why gratitude is so powerful.
It helps us shift from a mindset of lack to abundance,
and a peaceful contentment that you have enough.

If hate and fear cause someone to become repellent,
then it stands to reason the opposite will attract.

The opposite of hate is love.
Forgiveness will flip your magnet to attract.
Acts and thoughts of love increase the power of your magnet.
Fear also responds to love. It's a component of faith.

Perfect love casteth out fear.
It takes faith to trust that you have what you need and know peace.
Heal the hate, bitterness and fear in your life,
and watch as you attract what you need with ease.

This week, jot down in your journal where you feel a lack.
What beliefs do you hold that are rooted in fear and anger?
Find them and write them down.
Next write the truth,
the loving beliefs that will flip your magnet.

Place your new beliefs where you'll see them,
your car, bathroom mirror, your computer.
Say them in your head and out loud replacing the fear and hate with love.
The more you do this the faster the change for good.

Let me know how this goes for you.
I want you to know that I've experienced this in powerful ways.
It works.